Ep. 3: You’re Too Powerful to Rely on External Validation

Sonja (2): Hey everyone, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

Today’s episode is a little bit different. It’s what I like to call like a second serving. It’s like going back for seconds or rewind. A.K.A., this is a repurposed piece of content. It’s actually a live that I did on my Facebook and Instagram accounts that was so well received and extremely powerful and empowering that I knew I needed to share this on the podcast.

First and foremost, like I said, it’s very transformational and it gives people a lot of insight into where some of their biggest leaks in terms of why it’s difficult to trust themselves, why making decisions sometimes feels like very sticky and just very draining. And so I was like, listen, we gotta do this. I gotta get this out there.

And number two, I’m gonna be snatching it from my social media accounts soon. So yeah, it needs to live here where people who are actively seeking that type of information and that type of awareness can get it, right?

So, take your time, tune in. It’s gonna be a great episode here on the Art of Self Mastery Podcast. I would love to hear your thoughts and your takeaways after you listen, so be sure to let me know. Find me on Facebook, find me on Instagram at Sonja Thompkins. I’m everywhere under that, under that username. And let me know how you received this episode. Can’t wait for you to hear it. All right, let’s hear it.

It has come to my energetic attention, that too many of us, and I’m saying us because I have been there before. You have to stop relying, hear what I’m saying. You have to stop relying on external direction and validation for your life. Right? And I’m saying for your life, but we can easily also input, you have to stop relying on external direction and validation for your business.

We can also say this, you need, you have got to stop relying on external validation and direction over your finances, over all kinds of things you guys. That’s why I said, this is for you. This is, this is can be, you can put lump this into any area of your life, personally or professionally. Right?

Hear what I said, because I meant what I said. I didn’t say stop relying on help. I didn’t say don’t seek out assistance, or knowledge, or expertise. I said, stop relying on external validation and direction over your life. Right?

So what do I mean? How is this showing up? How am I seeing this happen with my clients? How have I seen this, you know, show up in my own life or my own business?

You guys, if you are ready for this, type a one in the chat, in the comments, let me know if this is something, cuz I told you I don’t believe in coincidence and accidents. So if you’re here, I am positive that this is, this message is timely for you and it has something for you. So type a one in the comments that is true for you.

And also if you feel like you know someone who could benefit from this information, hit the share button so that they can get in before I tune out, right?

So here is how this is showing up for a lot of people and how it has shown up for me. So number one, when I say you’re relying on external validation, I mean you can’t make a move. You don’t believe something is correct for you unless other people are giving you, you know, the attaboy, the high five, the yeah girl. Yes. Or, you know, no, I think that’s a great idea.

If every time you get ready to bust a move for anything, right? And you feel like you can’t really know for sure if this is right for you until you ask other people, this is, this is a symptom, right? There’s a difference between asking people their opinion, right? And I think it’s okay to ask people even, you know, again, a thought is still in a, it’s that person’s thought, so it’s still in the, in the realm of their opinion.

I’m talking about when people are in a situation, if you feel like if you can look back on circumstances in your life, even something that might have happened recently where the only time you feel confident enough to move forward with something that is in that your life is unfolding to you, the only time you can move forward is if you get that validation, that external validation, right? Then this becomes like a flag that you might wanna pay attention to.

Also, if you have to rely on other people to tell you what you need to do. Again, it is okay for some folks, right? And, and everybody is individual, but I’m talking specifically in this conversation. I’m talking to those, those of you who you know, you only move forward and make moves when somebody or something else external from you says, yeah, you should go that way. Yes, it’s okay. Yeah, that’s a good idea, girl, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, dude, like, you definitely need to do that cause blah, blah, blah. Right? This is, these are examples of this external validation, right?

So, one way a lot of this shows up as well is asking your, like, pawning off major decisions onto your spouse, a significant other, you know, or someone of authority. Now, spouse, I’m not saying is an authority, but I’m saying these are separate, right? So if you find yourself pawning off big decisions, major decisions for yourself or for your business, you pawn these things, these decisions off to your spouse, oh, well, let me, you know, let me talk to my, my, my, I need to talk to my so-and-so about it first.

I know, y’all. Take a pause, take a breath, because I know right there that has, I know that and poked a couple of folks because people love to jump. As soon as you say something like that, as soon as I say something like that, I get people say, well, you know, I need to talk. You know, we, we, we need to talk about it.

And I go, I understand needing to talk to your spouse about a major decision that I, cuz I absolutely do that. I talk to my spouse about major decisions. I don’t look to my spouse to make major decisions for me. Because even though we are a team, we are a union, I still am a person, a whole entity within that union. Right?

And what happens, I think at least for us, in a healthy relationship or dynamic like that, you can have a discussion, you can talk, and then ultimately I can still make a decision on my own based on the things that we talked about, right? Based on, cuz I’m a person, I’m gonna consider all of, I’m gonna consider them, I’m gonna consider myself, right? And I’ve learned to do that. I know how to do that.

But a lot of you all that I’m talking to, you’re using this as a mechanism for not making decisions for yourself. So it’s easier to pawn it off on, I need to ask my spouse, I gotta talk to my spouse about it, or I need to talk to, you know, I gotta talk to my so-and-so about it first, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Listen here. Anybody that is other than you, if it’s a, a human being on this planet, is not here to make decisions for you. They cannot give you the validation and direct you in a way that is empowering to you in the moment right now and in the future better than you can be empowered yourself. I’m gonna repeat that because I wanna make sure you heard the words.

I said a human being. So I’m not talking about if you are in conversation with the Lord, your God, right? Your relationship with, with creator and spirituality because that ultimately, and, and in my world and, and most people that tend to or be attracted to me, have a relationship, you know, with, with creator, with God, right? So I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about an external human being.

When you use that external human being to make decisions and to validate your decisions, and to look for them, to guide you, to tell you what to do, at every step of the way, you are handing over your power. And I am telling you, you are too powerful to be relying on external direction and validation over things in your life, over things in your business, over things in your professional trajectory, over things regarding your money. Okay? Once again.

All right, so what’s another way that this shows up? And let me know, before I do that, let me know in the comments that y’all understanding what I’m putting down there. If you have questions, let me know. Type ’em in the comments. I’m here for it. If you have a a, a thought, if you just have a difference of opinion, I’m here for that too.

But I’m gonna tell you, after decades in coaching and decades of being an entrepreneur and oh my gosh, close to over a decade in relationships, I’m telling you that too many of us are putting our val, you know, putting, you know, we’re just relying. That means that you are again, relying. I didn’t say you’re not interested. I didn’t say, be closed minded. Only do what you think. Cuz a lot of the problem is also what you’re thinking. Humans, we do a whole lot of overthinking, which is part of the problem. Right?

Here’s another way that that is showing up, right? Relying, on external direction and validation over your life. Relying on your insert life coach, business coach, therapist, physical trainer, right, to tell you what you should be doing. And then when they tell you what to do, if it doesn’t work out for you for whatever reason.

And there’s lots of reasons that it could not work out. It could just not, you know, maybe the information, maybe the teaching, maybe the framework, whatever, was not taught or in a way, or is not sitting, it doesn’t resonate with who you are and who you be like as an individual designed human cuz we are all uniquely designed different.

So this cookie cutter advice, these cookie cutter, strategies, these cookie cutter, like, blanket like, well, all you gotta do is… I’m telling you right now, if you’re talking to someone, a life coach, a business coach, a therapist, A trainer, a doctor, a anybody who starts their conversation off after you give them an ailment or hey, this is a struggle, and they start, they tell you all you gotta do is and they’ve not read you holistically…

I’m talking holistically, right? Mind, body, spirit. Holistically as a person. You need to tune them out immediately because they don’t mean to, but they just are not equipped to give you information that’s probably going to lead you exactly where you need to go and help you out in the best way because they don’t know you.

They’re using a blanket, cookie cutter strategy, piece of advice. They mostly mean well, I’m sure they do, but it’s impossible if you’re not addressing a person from an individual standpoint. Even if we’re talking in a group container, because I work with clients one-on-one, but I also work with my clients in group containers because there’s a lot of positivity that comes from working with people in a group. But even in my group containers, I work with the people as individuals, right? So there’s a big distinction there.

But when you’re doing that and you’re relying on this coach, this, whatever, and they tell you something to do. They have like, here’s some steps for you to follow, and then you follow the steps, and then you get stuck. Like you, this is what I’m saying. You get stuck when it doesn’t work out because you can’t see any, you don’t, you are literally stuck there and you’re like, well, I don’t know what the hell to do now because I did exactly what they said to do and it didn’t work out, or it doesn’t really feel right for me.

And so now I’m stuck because they didn’t approve. They didn’t approve of what they, you know what I’m saying? I’m saying this is not really hitting for me. This is not resonating with me. I tried it and it’s not working, and their answer, whatever. It didn’t seem to get approval. And then you are stuck. If you feel stuck, that’s because you have ex, you have outsourced their validation and direction over your business, over your life, over your money, over your fitness program, over whatever it is that you are working with them or, that’s what I’m saying. You are relying on this external entity person, right? To give you direction or validation of your life.

So, okay, now that we’ve gotten it clear, let me know. Even if you’re watching replay, type in the replay, let me know. Have I made this clear how it looks to rely on external validation and direction over your life, or over your business, or over your whatever, insert. Let me know that. Okay?

So now that we’re clear on that, how can you switch that around? Let’s talk about a reframe, because I never wanna present, present, you know, like, here’s a, here’s something that is happening. I always wanna leave you all empowered. I always wanna leave you feeling like you came, you left with more than what you came with.

So here’s a more empower, a more empowering, empowering. I can’t say that word. Empowering way. So the first thing is to be real clear for yourself about what your desire or your challenge is about that particular area of your life first. Like that requires you to be radically honest. Clarity comes from honesty.

And so before you, you know, look out here for someone to assist you because I’m, I’m a, I’m a life and business coach, so this is not about not asking for help or not getting help, support, accountability. We absolutely need that as humans. That’s how we are designed.

However, when you’re, when you just say that, I’m just, I dunno what to do. I just need somebody to tell me what to do. Everything is just a mess. Everything is a mess. It’s not, I know I’m, I’m clear on where I’m at and sometimes it’s okay to not know, right? But that looks a little bit different then That’s at least being radically honest and saying, I don’t know what is going on with me right now and, and I need to talk to someone just to even get clear on what is going on. Cause I just don’t even know what’s going on. Right?

So clients book Clarity calls with me because sometimes they just don’t know. They just don’t know they’re at like, I don’t even know what I don’t know. I just know something ain’t right. And that’s fine because that’s radically honest. And now we know that we’re starting with, I don’t know.

Sometimes though people will come and they say, oh, well I know what’s wrong and this is what I need. Right? Especially in the business realm, I see this a lot being a, you know, a business coach also being someone who has participated in really high ticket, expensive, coaching programs with some of the best out here. Right?

I get it. There were times that I invested in programs or things. It’s just like buying, you know, skincare. Right? How many times have you bought skincare because, you know, it had great reviews, it worked really well. People thought it was awesome and you bought it, and then you tried it and just didn’t work for you, right? It just didn’t work for you. Or maybe you liked this about it, but you didn’t like that, right? It’s okay.

This is not about knowing how to do things perfectly from the beginning because we don’t know. Life is always unfolding. The information is in the unfolding. It’s not in the the planning, right? It, humans, people, y’all, we have to get out of thinking that we need to know how it’s gonna work out before we bust moves. Right? That’s a different conversation, but call that a bonus.

But being clear, when I was clear about, okay, I really thought I needed to know how to do marketing better, that wasn’t really, through the trial, right through the unfolding, what I had learned was is that I didn’t need to know how to do marketing better, or I didn’t need to know the secret to marketing. I needed to trust myself that the way I intuitively want to communicate and talk to people about what I sold, whether it was my products or my services as a business coach, that the way I really felt excited and energetic and happy about doing it was okay. That’s what I really needed, but I didn’t know that I wasn’t clear.

So I was out here jumping around, you know, investing tons of money into to be told how to do things in a way that it’s not about whether what I was being taught was right or wrong. It just, it, that wasn’t really what I needed to know. What I really needed was to know that my way was, was okay and that it was safe, and really nobody could validate that for me but me. I needed to know that. I know that. I know that now.

So number one is just being clear about what your desires or your challenges are first, right, before you go out and seek help. Cuz sometimes you could be seeking help for something that isn’t really the, the issue for you.

Number two, know yourself enough to trust your internal compass. So that really connects to the first thing. And what I was saying there is that when you know yourself and you trust yourself to trust your internal compass, you guys, you’ll stop relying on external validation and direction from other people.

Again, for those of you just tuning in, I’m not saying don’t seek help, don’t ask other people their thoughts, but some people are designed not, some people really don’t need to ask other folks or make it… some people are really out here designed to maybe ask one trusted person, some, some their thought. Because the more that they ask people, the more confused they get.

But how do you know if you are that person or not? Well, you have to know yourself, right? This is the work that I do is really helping people know themselves from the inside out. Know yourself beyond your titles at work. Know yourself beyond your titles domestically. Oh, I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’m a homeschool mom. Or I’m a lawyer, I’m a nurse. I’m a, those are titles that have nothing to do with who you are and who you who, who God designed you to be on this planet at this time.

Those are titles. It means in the grand scheme of your creation and being, those titles don’t really mean a lot. And I’m a mom and I’m a business owner and I get all that. So, y’all don’t try to come for me like, you know, I’m a mom and you know, my children are my whole life. Awesome. There are people who are designed, God made you to be a mom and that, that is, you know, and that is supposed to be your whole life. And then there are some of us out there where that is not supposed to be your entire life on this planet. And one way is not better than the other. It’s just different cuz we all have a different purpose, on this planet at this time. Right?

Number three, run every, everything through your internal compass. Even if you get information, you get direction, you get, you know, you, you’re working with a, a, a coach, a therapist, a a teacher, a whatever, right? Who, who is a person of integrity, who is working with you holistically, all those things that I mentioned before, right? If you’re working with someone like that, it’s okay to take their information, run it through your filter, your internal compass and then output. That means the output is the action. Take action on what is left. Think of this as like food, right? You consume food.

If you invest in, in a life coaching program, if you invest in a business coaching program, if you invest in working with a physical trainer, if you invest in a business model, if you invest in whatever. When I say invest, that means consuming. If you are consuming, investing, participating in whatever, insert whatever you wanna insert there, take that information from this trusted expert, this well-intentioned human, right? Consume that. Run it through your filter though. Run it through your filter.

Your filter is you, your filter is, is your sacral. Your filter is, is, you know, your gut, your, your, your filter is your nervous system. Your filter is, notice I have not said your mind, cuz your brain is not here to come up with major decisions. I know I have just lost some of y’all right there, but folks, our brains are not here to make decisions, right?

A lot of what our body is doing is run by the brain and it’s happening on autopilot, believe it or not. I’m not saying don’t think, but I’m saying big major decisions don’t happen in your brain. They happen in your body. This is where the expression follow your gut comes from. This is where the expression’s like, you know, gut instinct. You’ll feel it, you’ll know when it’s right. You gonna feel it. You don’t, that’s not happening in the brain, right?

So run it through your internal filter, your inner compass, and then whatever is left, whatever is left after it runs through you, runs through your filter, whatever’s left, that’s the action that you. That’s the action you take and compare that. Compare the effects of that action that you take based on when you just blanket follow somebody else’s, you know, whatever.

This is why when people work with me, and it’s so funny you guys, because there were times and there’s still times, you know, especially with my business coaching clients. So when I’m coaching people for their business, a lot of times they’ll just, they will literally say, Sonja, just tell me what to do. And I’m like, here’s some, here’s like basic structure, what to do.

But I’m always gonna be like, but what do you wanna do? What do you wanna do? How does that feel to you? I’m constantly asking my clients, how does this feel to you? I want you to do something and I want you to then tell me how it feels when you do it. This is where the answer is. I’m not here to tell you what to do.

Couple weeks ago, maybe about two, well, it’s probably been about two months ago, I was talking to a colleague of mine and she was sharing how one of her, there was a person interested in her business services. And this person said, this conversation. I know we are meant to work together. Like I, I, we are meant to work together. I like, I love everything you doing. I need to go talk to my, my business coach first to make sure she thinks this is okay for me to be doing right now.

And I’m talking to my friend. I’m like, she said what? I’m like, see, this is I, that kind of stuff y’all, I’m telling you gets me. It like sits me up in the bed when I hear something like that. So you mean to tell me this whole adult woman, this whole adult person who has validated through herself that you are a good fit for her, and that she believes that you can help her ex, you know, achieve X, Y, Z? She told you she has to wait till she talks to her business coach? Who is her business coach that is disempowering her to make her feel like her coach has to validate what she already feels is correct? I, I, I don’t, I I’m not about that life y’all. I’m not about that life.

So anyway, again, you are way too powerful to do that. You are a powerful being and you know, you have an internal compass that is there, that is God-given, and it is there that it’s designed to guide you and, to help you have certainty within yourself. You may not know how to access that. You may not know what that feels like for you. You may not know how to, notice it when it’s happening for you, and that’s okay.

If that is you, if that’s something that you’re interested in learning, that’s something you want some help with, whether it’s profession, you know, personally, cause that’s definitely a personal thing. But if you wanna also know how to apply that in business as well, yeah, reach out to me. I would love to walk you through what that looks like, hear what you are dealing with right now, what you’re contemplating, what you might be struggling with.

And then if there are options that I offer that can take you through solution and through transformation, whether it’s personally or professionally, awesome. I’ll do that. If it’s somebody else that I know that can facilitate that better for you, I’ll refer you out. I have a vast network of just really amazing people that I’ve met along my journey, In person and online. So a lot of times, you know, if it’s, if it’s something that I don’t, that’s not my jam, that’s not my specialty, hey, I usually know someone that doesn’t. I, I share that as well.

So you can learn more about me, you can check out my website at sonjatohmpkins.com. Thompkins with a P and a K. Or you can just leave me a message and let me know.

Once again, doors for art of self mastery are open right now. Come on in, in August, the full moon is tomorrow, right? So whatever stuff that you are holding onto right now that is like at you down, you’re like at a place where you want to transition, maybe you’re in a new part, or you want to engage in something new at this time in your life, it’s a perfect time to do it.

An Art of Self Mastery. It’s a wonderful group, intimate group where I basically walk you through over 12 weeks how to know yourself on a soul level, right? Beyond titles, your wealth, your work, how to know yourself on a soul level and then trust yourself enough to have the fulfillment that you most desire.